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Friday, July 07, 2006

Why do you think about when you hear the word "family"?

For me... all I think about... is how "f*cked up" mine is.

You know... i love my house. Its so big and comfy and tranquil... but the only times I get to enjoy it is when nobody is at home. When ever my mum or my brother comes home... the whole dream cracks.

Mum thinks i go out too much, have too much fun. I never heard of anything such as having too much fun. But wadever... does she even think why i stay out so much?

Its because i don't want to face her. The only conversation we ever make seems to be quarreling or her nagging at me and I fight with her almost everyday. Not only me. My goddamned brother is also goddamned pissed of with her?

Is it only OUR PROBLEM?!?!?!?!

She expects me to do this, expects me to do that... just because she's given me a huge house and money?

I don't think I've ever given her much problems... i never have problems with grades, I get into good schools, I don't mix with the wrong people or do things that are too wrong...

Why is she treating me like this?

I can understand sometimes why she flares up at my brother... but does she have to push everything onto me when he just pisses off and storms away?

I was in such a happy mood today. We had so much fun celebrating Zhi Tao's birthday yesterday and the minute I woke up... i hear them quarreling again. Apparently, she wants him to stay home or something so I can give him tuition. Whatever. So he's not free today... must she make such a big fuss out of it?

I hid in my bed trying not to get involved in the fight until she left for work and the rest of my morning was peace.

Then, she came back slightly after noon and started again.

I was intending to watch world cup tonight and tomorrow night. Afterall... its FINALS! So I can't possibly have tuition with my bro on sunday morning. Can't she just understand that? I have given enought leaway. I said i was free on Friday afternoon and the whole of Saturday.

I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE IN ANYMORE.

It is not that important... i don't see why she doesn't understand the word "cancel!" Its not that hard. I don't understand why she has to upset everyone.

I just wish daddy will come home. At least things were better when he was here... at least I know i can talk to daddy without quarreling or having to hide in my room. But then suddenly, he's gone again and I feel so alone at home. Even when everyone's around... i feel the need to hide in some corner and be invisible...

She said if I'm so unhappy i could just walk out. If i had the option and the finances to do so... i would... why else am I struggling so hard to go abroad... its because if I have to face this family any longer... I think I'll go insane.

Or perhaps... I already am.

Signed Off @ 11:39 PM